“But I Just Don’t feel the Spark!”

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From the Movie,"He's Just Not that Into You:"

*Talking about a girl and two guys a few feet away from them at the bar when the hotter guy walks away*
Alex: Now, check out droopy dog on the other side. This guy's going to be buying her drinks all night and she's going to insist that there's no "spark".
Gigi: Maybe there's not. You need a spark.
Alex: No, the "spark" thing is shit.
Gigi: Really?
Alex: Bull shit.
Gigi: Enlighten me.
Alex: Guys invented the "spark" so that they could not call, and treat you kind of bad, and keep you guessing, and they convince you that that anxiety and that fear that they're throwing at you is actually, just a "spark". And you guys all buy it. You eat it up. And you love it. You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama.
Gigi: I don't.
Alex: Oh really? So you never wait until the last minute on a deadline or phone bill because secretly you kind of love the drama of not knowing whether or not you're going to make it?
Gigi: May...be?
Alex: And let me guess. When you were stalking Conor the other night, were you obsessing about him calling, constantly pacing back and forth and staring at your phone for days even though the date was just kind of mediocre?
Gigi: Ha. Okay, yeah?
Alex: Because you all thrive on the drama! But you've got to be more like me. If a girl likes me, great. But if not, there are plenty more out there like her. Probably one with smaller pores and bigger implants.

My client Alice nearly stopped going out with the man she finally married! From the beginning, Charlie was kind and fun. She felt like herself when they were together and genuinely enjoyed herself. He accepted her as she is and was reliable and straight… he did what he said and said what he did. But when she thought of him, she didn’t have a “spark.”

Over time, she realized that butterflies and “excitement” she saw as the “spark” was really anxiety and fear when the person she was dating would “grant her an audience” after being unavailable to her, taking her for granted, gas lighting her, etc.

She realized that she misread her internal reactions for feelings she thought she had for the other person. As she felt her trust for Charlie growing, and as she came to understand the true source of her butterflies and “excitement,” and how she had mistakenly attributed these feelings to a “spark” she was able to feel more secure with her choices.

Barbara, 29 years old, came to think that a man who is secure, versus anxious or avoidant, as boring. This is another trap that people can fall into. Ask yourself, “If someone is kind, generous, and funny and also happens to be reliable, straight-forward and trustworthy, how can they be boring?”

If you would like to explore the answer to this question as well as how you can organize your approach to dating and relationships differently, so you have the best shot, consider taking the next step by giving me a call so I can guide you on the journey. You can reach me at 212 920-6019.

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