From the Movie,"He's Just Not that Into You:"
She: Well, you need a spark.
He: That spark thing is Bullshit.
She: Enlighten me.
He: Guys invented the spark so they could NOT call, treat you kind of bad, keep you guessing, and convince you that that your anxiety and fear that just develops naturally is a spark, and you guys just buy it, eat it because of the drama. You all love that drama.
My client Alice nearly stopped going out with the man she finally married! From the beginning, Charlie was kind and fun. She felt like herself when they were together and genuinely enjoyed herself. He accepted her as she is and was reliable and straight… he did what he said and said what he did. But when she thought of him, she didn’t have a “spark.”
Over time, she realized that butterflies and “excitement” she saw as the “spark” was really anxiety and fear when the person she was dating would “grant her an audience” after being unavailable to her, taking her for granted, gas lighting her, etc.
She realized that she misread her internal reactions for feelings she thought she had for the other person. As she felt her trust for Charlie growing, and as she came to understand the true source of her butterflies and “excitement,” and how she had mistakenly attributed these feelings to a “spark” she was able to feel more secure with her choices.
Barbara, 29 years old, came to think that a man who is secure, versus anxious or avoidant, as boring. This is another trap that people can fall into. As yourself, “If someone is kind, generous, and funny and also happens to be reliable, straight-forward and trustworthy, how can they be boring?”
If you would like to explore the answer to this question as well as how you can organize your approach to dating and relationships differently, so you have the best shot, consider taking the next step by giving me a call so I can guide you on the journey. You can reach me at 212 920-6019.